On Singleness and Loneliness. The Difference.

              I was at Dunkin Donuts tonight by myself, eating donuts and fiddling with my laptop. And just that simple experience of being by myself made me realize a lot of things.
             I took a good look around the people who were in Dunkin Donuts. There were lots of guys in groups and other groups were a mix of guys and girls. The people who were also by themselves(like me) were there for the purpose of studying. Because they had notes and all.
            There were times that I noticed that some people were looking at me. It's normal, I guess. But needless to say, most of those who looked at me were guys. =p
            It was then that a lot of obvious things made itself even more obvious and clear.
             I was single.
            And I felt lonely at that moment.


            I've never been in a relationship, since I don't plan to have one until after I graduate from college. And I'm really striving to stick to that. So when a lot of thoughts entered my head, I felt compelled to clear out my feelings and remind myself of the important things. So in this blog entry I'll describe two key terms that described how I felt. And I shall differentiate some things. And put some reminders for myself.

Singleness.
            My CHWARM girls have all experienced being in a relationship except me. And no, I am not undergoing peer pressure, but the reality of the singleness hits me sometimes. My thoughts? I find myself alone on some days, but I'm an independent person, so I can deal with it. But I can't help feeling alone and lonely. At times when my best friends are out with their boyfriends, I have to eat lunch by myself(but now, I go home for lunch everyday). There are times when I'm just by myself. My best friends love me and I love them too, and I really don't blame them for anything. It's just me that keeps on wondering what it would be like if I had a boyfriend. Especially the times where I wish there was someone whom I could go with when all my friends are somewhere else. Like someone who could've kept me company in Dunkin Donuts.            
           Someone who wants to spend time with me and protect me from unfavorable things. :3

Reminder to myself: Being single has a lot of advantages. It saves you the pains and heartaches of a relationships, as well as other deep feelings such as missing a person and have fights with them. It helps me focus on my studies. But mostly  I need to remind myself that I am not ready for a relationship, because I really don't think I am. And I really resolved not to have a relationship until after college. God's time will come, and I believe that. Being single does not deter me from being happy everyday. And that's what's really important.

Loneliness.
            Singleness is not synonymous to loneliness. But for some who have a dependent personality and those who go looking for relationships, they may likely disagree on this. Being single is subjective, it still depends on how you look at it. But for me who's single, I'm not lonely. I only feel that way sometimes.
I am independent by nature, and I don't really mind going out by myself. In fact, I do that often, usually every Saturdays where I indulge myself on food and books. But I can't deny feeling lonely and alone sometimes, especially when my friends are somewhere else and I'm just by myself. That's mostly the time when I feel vulnerable, and I wished I had a constant companion. I miss Joanna. T.T

Reality check: If I'm not lonely, I know that I have a lot of things to be grateful for that I am single. My loneliness only springs from moments of weakness, but I know I am definitely stronger than that. But my life has been wonderful, and I don't think I should be asking for too much when I already have a lot. I love my friends and they love me, and they are always here for me whenever I really need them. I like being single, for being independent, for being able to enjoy walks around the city by myself and just simply being SINGLE. Most importantly, it saves me the pain that relationships might bring. I'm very sensitive to pain, and I don't want those kinds of disturbances screwing up my life right now. I know I'll have a relationship somewhere in the future, God Bless me, and I know God's time for me will come. I just need reminders from time to time.

"I am single, but not lonely. 
I am single, and I am happy. "